An Afterthought

It saddens me that my life should require someone to fuck me over in order to be interesting. It saddens me more that more often than not, it is I who does the fucking over and am also the one being fucked over in the process.

I really shouldn't let my pitiful, melodramatic teen angst get me down, so I'll leave before it does.

Your Clumsiness Only Makes You More Endearing

You emphasise all of your hand gestures when you are drunk to the point that you spill things everywhere. This broke my computer a little bit but I don't really care about that. I don't have much of a reason behind this bar that your clumsiness makes you all the more endearing.

I don't have any idea why that is so either, but it is.

Post-Shower Thoughts

To my avid and probably singular reader,
stop reading this stuff, you know it's no good for your well-being.


Maybe I don't know where my life is going, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with it. I mean, maybe the course I'm doing right now isn't where I thought I would be right now. But it's interesting and the rehabilitation side of it really seems rewarding.

The friends I've got here are pretty fucking grand; be they old or new.

Last but not least is the girl. She's been through a lot with past relationships and I guess this has left her with a bad taste in her mouth. Past experiences dictate that I am definitely not the type of guy to fix this. Regardless, I'm going to ensure that she becomes happy.

She makes me want to better myself and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

So I guess that even though I don't know where I'm going with my life I'm pretty content with it.

I Need to Get Balanced

Tonight I decided on a cigarette before bed. This somehow developed into an hour and a half long walk around the campus.
I don't know what happened. One minute I was lighting up and the next I was just taking step after fucking step down the pathway.
Maybe I just needed some time to think, fuck knows what about; I can't remember any of it at this moment. I wish I did because I have a feeling it might have been important. The cold is pretty unforgettable though, I shivered uncontrollably every fucking step of the way.

I'm so lost right now. My life has direction, but no meaning.

...some weed would be very much appreciated right now.

If You're Having Girl Problems I Feel Bad For You Son

"...I got ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain't one".

I am receiving minimum girl related problems. My mother seems to have lessened the man-hating rage that my most recent break-up evoked and my ex's ill-informed friends have stopped their understandably protective (read: immature and borderline retarded) facebook hate.

To top all of this off I spent much of the night with a girl who seems to be the human embodiment of awesome.

Life is good.

However, I'm not sure I deserve this level of happiness and am expecting some sort of karmic ass-kicking in the near future.

I guess in the meantime I should probably try and saviour the shared cigarettes, late night banter.

Waiting for the beat to kick in

To my left I hear two piercing-riddled youths discussing the latest episode of true blood and their various relationship problems. One laughingly attributes it to the fact that her boyfriend is not a mythological creature. Their mixture of incessant whining and celebration of sub-par television annoys me. However, I cannot seem to block it out so I begrudgingly accept it. As time goes on the conversation becomes a little more personal in tone, but apparently not deep enough to lessen the various references to vampire-related media. I briefly contemplate moving somewhere else, but after sitting through the former verbal slop I feel entitled to a period of the conversation that is mildly interesting. Dialogue is now centred on the violent tug-of-war between reality and idealism taking place in their lives. In actuality it sounds nowhere near as romantic as this. They chat about their dreams and how far away they are from them. Both girls try to hide it, but their voices give off a certain air of disappointment. In addition to the mild annoyance that has plagued me for the last half an hour, I now feel a sense of empathy. Everyone gives up dreams and aspirations nowadays and I'm no exception.

I can't really remember the dreams and aspirations of my childhood, but a few from the last couple of years come to mind. Rockstardom, writing and medicine seem to have been the main contenders. Whilst becoming a musician was almost definitely a pipedream, writing was always in the very least a possibility. A crippling fear of having to rely upon creative talent to make a living made sure that I put the notion of becoming a writer into the furthermost recesses of my mind. So I decided to pursue medicine. But now I feel lost, like I'm heading somewhere that I'm not sure I want to be. Maybe this is the path to medicine, but its much more likely that I'm just buckling to my fears like the coward I am. Superficially I try to convince myself that this is just a path to realising an aspiration. Deep down I know that I'm just following a career path that allows me to follow established practices instead of my own creative ability.